The Revival of Self.

Question.

Can I take all the lessons of my entire life and place them all too conspicuously in a novel? What about a collection of essays chronicling the faultless perception of a hopelessly doubtful romantic? After all, writing is about your emotional health–it is the pursuit of happiness, the bettering of self.

A friend who is not so much friend but more “interested” love interest asked me, “Why did you stop writing?”

I did not know what to say. I could have easily replied that I seemed to have lost my muse. The one I drove crazy so my art could shine through. While that is probably part of it, it is not the entire truth.

In the midst of the coldest shoulder ever, I remind my self it is not as bad as I think. Hearing, “I am not in love with you” should make one cringe–but I could make a lovely salary with the stories of people who ran away from me. At times I slip into a period of fantasy, hoping this is all a dream.

But I need to wake up.

I need to face the music and show the world what I am eternally made of. No matter the current circumstance– my destiny, my purpose is NOT tied to the ones who gave up. We are human and we all make mistakes but the battle for “forever” requires us to be SAFE. It requires us to forgive and stop running away.

Safe people confront, but do not attack. They take steps cautiously so they do not have to “fall back”. They are honest and hopeful. Patient and serene.

And as a result, the safe person is free.

So I must strive to do better than try. I will not run, no matter how hard the fight. It is time to do what I say I am going to do. To stop waiting on someone else to make the first move.

This year will not be about fighting losing battles or forcing unrequited love onto broken respirators. It is about reflection. Mandatory self protection. And giving the beautiful resilience growing inside of me a chance to breathe…all on its own.

Happy 2016.

-J.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “The Revival of Self.

  1. To Be Human
    is to fall in love over and over,
    to never give up on any of them,
    to cry for the inhumanity, and try to
    overcome all that surrounds us by creating
    a closeness with those in proximity, both
    geographical and philosophical. It is to
    carry those loves in our heart, flooding our
    minds no matter how gone they are. And
    to put others’ needs first, understand their
    flaws, work on our own so we can be
    better helpers. It is to take it all in and
    follow our dreams no matter how preposterous;
    to pull apart another brown paper bag and
    to write it all out, no matter how choppy.
    So take my hand and make it all better
    before I repeat the painful parts until
    I can no longer act. To struggle past
    obstructions and obligations, self-imposed and
    expected; to wallow in joy, build strength and
    change what we can for the better. To give.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s