Can I take all the lessons of my entire life and place them all too conspicuously in a novel? What about a collection of essays chronicling the faultless perception of a hopelessly doubtful romantic? After all, writing is about your emotional health–it is the pursuit of happiness, the bettering of self.
A friend who is not so much friend but more “interested”
love interest asked me, “Why did you stop writing?”
I did not know what to say. I could have easily replied that I seemed to have lost my muse. The one I drove crazy so my art could shine through. While that is probably part of it, it is not the entire truth.
In the midst of the coldest shoulder ever, I remind my self it is not as bad as I think. Hearing, “I am not in love with you” should make one cringe–but I could make a lovely salary with the stories of people who ran away from me. At times I slip into a period of fantasy, hoping this is all a dream.
But I need to wake up.
I need to face the music and show the world what I am eternally made of. No matter the current circumstance– my destiny, my purpose is NOT tied to the ones who gave up. We are human and we all make mistakes but the battle for “forever” requires us to be SAFE. It requires us to forgive and stop running away.
Safe people confront, but do not attack. They take steps cautiously so they do not have to “fall back”. They are honest and hopeful. Patient and serene.
And as a result, the safe person is free.
So I must strive to do better than try. I will not run, no matter how hard the fight. It is time to do what I say I am going to do. To stop waiting on someone else to make the first move.
This year will not be about fighting losing battles or forcing unrequited love onto broken respirators. It is about reflection. Mandatory self protection. And giving the beautiful resilience growing inside of me a chance to breathe…all on its own.