Strength Under Pressure.

I keep my worries bound in a carefully tied knot, held in place to my everyday obligations. I want to be free of concern–to get a break from doubting that I will eventually get what I need. Because honestly, I recognize that plenty of people go without. There are an innumerable amount of people who have nothing. People who regardless, always find a way to be happy. People who stand up and decide to keep moving.

It is believed that the more you obtain, the less satisfied you will become. I remember the months and years when I had little of the material but still felt I had everything. I remember being jobless and nearly homeless with a 1.5 year old. How I lived in a 3 BR apartment with 4 other adults and slept in a shared bedroom on a twin sized bed with my daughter. I remember when my first brand new car was repossessed in the middle of the night with my daughter’s car seat & stroller in the trunk. I remember walking miles back and forth to the library to spend 30 minutes applying for jobs because I did not have access to a computer at home. Running 3 blocks to the bus stop with a toddler on my hip and 2 bags on my shoulder.

It was here I could have decided to give up and accept that life was going to keep throwing punches that I was never going to be able to dodge. I could have sat down in the mess I created and allowed failure to reign in my thoughts. I could have ignored the silent roar for better in my heart. But I continued to fight in spite of everything I thought I had lost.

I feel a familiar twinge of panic now because struggle has a history of infinitely repeating. We will not be free of trouble in this world and it is one of the few things that we are absolutely guaranteed. Now, instead of complaining that “life is not fair” or blaming others for my circumstances–I try to take full responsibility for the gains and the losses. I cannot blame other people for my failures or ignore the consequences when I make mistakes. I can however, opt to face my sorrows and behave with the utmost of integrity.

Right now, it feels like I am being pulled in opposing directions. I feel like everything I fought so hard for is in constant jeopardy. Truthfully, sometimes we have deal with the consequences of our past decisions for decades. Even if I learned my lesson the first time, I still have to make peace with the fact that I deviated from God’s perfect plan for my life.

The beautiful thing about messing up is that it does not mean that we are:
unfixable or
unloveable or
unable to fix our stuff.

It just means we have to fight harder, get stronger and remember to get back up.

 

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Standing at the Edge of a New Cliff.

woman, art, cliff, lighthouse

Winter comes in with such a vengeance that one cannot help but to compare it to the inevitability of all things dying. I told him a long time ago how morbid I could be. Usually, he never seemed to care or mind. Today however, he doesn’t seem likely to humor me.

[395] days into this losing game and I remember it began with a single act of bravery. We believed anything was possible, even if some of our vital pieces were missing. At first this little unspoken agreement worked out well. We were much more compatible than we ever cared to be.

Maybe this was the problem.

Every time we touched, a spark would seductively dance underneath my skin. It was an electric chemistry that made me want to smoke whenever he looked in my direction. A forbidden sort of energy that would lead us nowhere but to–a definite catastrophe.

I knew he wasn’t ready.

That small voice nagged at the back of my subconscious. Telling me I would suffer greatly if I chose to proceed. I was willing to suffer, so long as I could take him with me. Not understanding the type of necessary peace I was sacrificing. How, very silly and immature of me. I learned from that relationship, that sacrifice was a two-way street.

Now I stand timidly on the edge of a new cliff. It would be a beautiful way to end this obsession with perilous things that were never meant for me. This new path does not question if I am good enough. It knows I have already grieved and endured way too much.

Hopefully I’ll find the courage to jump off.