Beautiful things do not require recognition. They exist on their own terms and in their own designated time. I remember when I could not recall my own feelings or whether or not these damaging thoughts were even mine. I used to numb undesirable emotions and busy myself with work that would never get done. Now, I rest on purpose and give my heart freedom to run. Instead of hiding hurt, I make myself painfully aware of the loss of my dreams. The anticipated Forever that began again in January. Now, my favorite galaxy cannot remember the gravity of what was promised or the hope of our mutual destiny. Now, I sit and gather all of my strength, while a black hole attempts to trap me in a solitary abyss. I do not want to try all over again. I want what I have chosen. All I ever wanted was one person who accepted me, completely. Someone who could understand that I am not perfect, but I never stop trying. Someone who would stand by my side while I fought to be healthy.
Sometimes we grow apart from people we plan to know forever. We age, mature and take on new adventures that the ones we love can not explore with us. Sometimes, people are ripped from our grasp without notice. Like a midday summer storm they are torn from our presence and we can only watch helplessly as they go. And still, after this, some connections are broken down slowly over years. People we chose and who chose us seem to fade from our consciousness as we gradually consider them less and less in some unguided quest towards our happiness.
If I knew then what I know now there are a heap of things I would have done differently.
For instance, I would have done a better job of protecting myself and been a bigger supporter of actively pursuing my own destiny. Instead, I have given up time and energy running backwards without acknowledging the truth. I have quietly whispered bits and pieces of my story to people who could not care less about me. Building dreams I did not believe in for the sake of people who were never coming with me. I have no real excuse. Only a feeling that I knew but did not do, better.
Today, I acknowledge this extraordinary call on my life, in my heart, for my family. Not just in the dark spaces where the mind travels when you do not want to be fully seen. No, I run with a confident sense of urgency–to answer the call of destiny. Even if this means leaving some of the people I love, behind me.
Yesterday morning, I wrote something from a very dark place. Fed up in my heart and sick to my stomach with some of the trials of life. If I am angry with the way things are going, I turn to writing to relieve stress and get difficult feelings off my chest.
But at all times, I must be careful not to tempt the door of bitterness.
I firmly believe all things happen the way they are meant and for reasons that are sometimes unknown to me. Especially when the outcome is nothing like I originally thought.
For example, this past Saturday my teacher dismissed us early from a 3 hour class–which never happens. This professor schedules work up until the very last minute. Yet for some reason, after our test he let us go half an hour early. 5 minutes into my drive I received a call from my sister telling me a family member needed to go to the hospital.
Had I been in class at the time, I would not have gotten her call.
I am learning that, no matter how I feel in the midst of chaos–I must be firm in the direction I am called. We make decisions based on what we feel is best–but sometimes our decisions are wrong.
And nothing feels as bad as being dragged away from a path you were never meant to be on.
So you made a mistake and now have to adapt to a new, uncharted course. How does it help you now to focus on things you thought were forever–but instead are gone?
The short answer is, it does not.
When things go south, or crap hits the fan and I am required to do something hard–the first thing I often try to do is deny that anything is wrong. I retreat into my subconscious thoughts and pull back from making a compromise. Or, I will do the exact opposite. I blow up, throwing daggers and knives at the people I love.
Neither of these reactions will ever lead to a positive resolve.
I do not want be a person who lives on fluctuating emotions. I want a stable existence, not nonsensical drama for my writing. I want to collaborate with people who inspire a creative and productive life. I crave people who talk others up instead of pushing them down. I need people who are willing to give everything to someone who needs it–people for which the term selfish, does not register at all.
After I deleted my unnecessary rant I was granted a small glimpse of the new era to come.
Funny how that seems to work.
We talked about our similar interests and parallel course–splitting up when our paths went in opposite directions.
I waited by the elevator thinking about our conversation. But when I turned around, there he was–standing right behind me.