I woke up in a panicked sweat
searching desperately for something
I knew was not in my bedroom.
Shadows creep–as the darkness plays
against my subconscious’ attempts
at understanding.

I am not mourning or acknowledging
any further distress. I accepted
the keys to my own happiness.
Driving away from this detour
on my way back towards
a more beneficial path.

Doubters laugh–
mocking my progress.
Waiting for the day I fall
Hoping I ask them for help
just so they can applaud their own
pointless existence.

But they were never any
friends of mine.

I am the definition of
tough love and perseverance.
The one who never gives up–unless
I am forced to retreat.

But this isn’t really about me.

It’s about being shaken to the core
by a dream and reaching out
in vain–knowing no one will ever
fully see what you are going through.

It’s about putting on a
brave face and welcoming
the certainty of the unknown.
Being a responsible adult–
even when you find it hard to believe.

Admitting you messed up
and making amends
so long as it does not distract
from your peace.

And if I can just get to this final place
of forgiveness and self-love…

art, drawing, girl, dreams, sara herranz

I know these nightmares will eventually stop.



If Only.

wishes, art, star, galaxy, dreams
Source: The Old Astronomer

You have a way with words that rush like rain but no one knows who made you this way.
I searched for the right answers, but all I knew is that I loved to be in love with you.

If only I could pretend none of this is happening.

I walk now towards valleys and forge my own path in a wilderness I was always meant to walk through. Breaking fellowship on every ground I attempted to place a root. Violently striking out against anyone who ever sided with you.

This is a chartered course but no one knows where the final destination will be. For now the coordinates are: me without you, you without me. And these jaded hearts do not heal like they used to. You cannot rebound with the next opposite or hop to another extreme.

After all, I am a vibrant winter and quiet spring–a host of mutable complexities.

Things change. What started as a walk in the park began to get hard. Yellow caution, now an unmistakable red light. You were a tiny star in my infinite galaxy. The one I used to build dreams around. Now I am awake and clumsy with suspicion. Taking the longest road back to reality.

If only I could pretend none of this is happening. 

I do not care that you are gone. I care that you deliberately dragged me along. I care that you pledged allegiance to us, while in the same breath planned your exodus. I care that my devastation at being deceived led me to fight for someone unworthy of me.

But now I force myself to get up. Tackle the voices in my head telling me I am not good enough. Repair the damage I introduced to my family. Find a way to absorb the cost.

If only I could pretend none of this is happening.

100% Chance of Rain.

While you rage against the machinations of fate, take care at the dose of humility knocking on the front door of your heart. Not one contemptuous breath will pass once THAT door is opened. So just breathe. Take a moment to study everything. Stop trying. Stop insinuating. Let all the chips you’ve refused to drop fall, finally into place.

I rejected change. Held on too tightly to a past diluted with rose colored glasses. And a future masked by nimbo-stratus clouds on what should have been a perfectly sunny day. Weather reports are not suggestions. But it is a choice to opt out of the stalemate of pride.
Rain is necessary if you want your crop to survive.

I survey one moot point while digesting this silent insubordination:

No One. Owes You. Anything.

I still find a way to resentfully brood; fully knowing I so desperately need hydration. Looking up at those same clouds alive with lightning and thunder, threatening my every move. I do not want to be swallowed by darkness, but I struggle on the thin line of recovery–while walking towards the safety of the light. Little hands reach for me through the depths of the shadows, but I stand rebelliously between the promise of death and the burden of life.

It was never up to me to decide.
Pain is necessary if you want your crop to survive.

Dream Light.

How is your dream life?

How do you face a Monday morning alarm clock when you can’t sleep at night?
Skip through Friday, relax on Saturday, on Sunday recuperate.
Then it’s another week of the same things over and over again.

Seems like nothing changes and your heart is weighed down in despair.
Tired of every failure, every frustration, every delay in gratification.
Feels like the pressure is bearing down on you from all sides.

How do you face the day when you cannot dream at night?

Whistle while you work, but the reality of your situation makes you anxious.
Impatient, because you have done all that you can do.
And it still doesn’t seem like enough.

TRUTH says, “Tough–You think you’re the only one who feels this way?”
GRACE offers relationship, but no direction for change.
So we are left with TIME.

Some people take “time” to an awful place.
They measure the benefits of growth by how long it takes.
Time is an essential component that needs to be met with grace.
Then, truth can minister healing and deposit hope into our ways.

It takes much longer than you think.
None of us will reach perfection
on this side of eternity.

And this surprises us because we focus on what we can DO to be saved.
Yet, God loves us infinitely–without merit or pause.
We were Created in His image and purposed for His cause.

So, our dreams must be in alignment with what He has ordained.

Grace captivates.
Truth establishes order.
Time is what eventually will lead us to change.

–Be Blessed.

A Common Story.

No one knows when Wendy fell in love with Peter Pan.
But I can assure you it wasn’t on her first trip to Never-Land.

Love doesn’t manifest over a campfire.

Sure, you can talk about blue lagoons and mermaids
and maybe Captain Hook too.
But you failed to mention the “Lost Boy” was you.
He wanted her to believe, but she needed proof.

When a woman is enchanted she will see the absolute best.
If you claim you can fly, she will ignore the harness under your vest.
If you say you can’t die, she will quietly address your wounds.
Swear you won’t lie, and she will lose sight of the truth.

Imagine Wendy.
She is just a girl who couldn’t sleep.
Chose the wrong night to go exploring.
Wishful words and fairy-tales wrapped her in their mystery.

She fell in love with a boy who did not want to grow up.

…and the rest is ancient history.

Destiny Deferred.

What is a dream?

Is it an idea of what is surely to come? A belief?
Is it a hope for the future? A deposit for success?
Do dreams guide us openly to happiness?

Maybe dreams are decisions.
Everyday we get a choice.
Follow your heart.
Let love strengthen your voice.

Dreams are conversations.
We expect them to come true.
We dream of an immortal experience.
I could spend forever with you.”

But what happens to dreams when life disrupts our path?

We do not respond well to changes that alter our present reality.
We reassess. We over-think.
We act out defensively.
We shut down. We clam up.
We give excuses to cope with the awkwardness.

I will be your victim, if you are bent on absolute success.
But if we are meant to reason together–
give us a chance to conquer this test.

What happens to a dream,
when it becomes too difficult to obtain?

Do you give up? Do you shift focus?
Will you throw the dream away?

Dreams are the prospect of a destiny we cannot yet reach.
Necessary to defend. Crucial to see.

Dreams only survive
if you are willing to sacrifice.
You do not promise forever,
unless you are prepared to give

…your life.

Amid Summer’s Night.

For the past few weeks I have woken up at 5:37am without fail. At this point, my eyes open and I do not even move to check the clock because I know–literally and metaphorically what time it is. I am consistently stubborn about everything and I refuse to listen unless I am provoked. But today, I woke up. I got up willingly because there are some new things I am starting to see.

I have no idea how much time God has gifted to me. Yet, I am confident He did not want me to waste it walking in circles. I am a different me than the woman I was a year ago. Therefore, I cannot do the things she used to do. I will not cry or convince. I do not feel the need to tear down or manipulate. No amount of reminiscing can alter what the past has taken. Still, even with the loss of my innocence– I cannot imagine doing anything differently.

I will however, not look back. I will not hang on or try all over again. I do not need to relive the “process“. I refuse to maneuver out of the fear that I will never find what I am looking for. Nor will I shut down and lock away my heart because of its previous misuse. Even the greatest offender had some good in him too. A beautiful part of learning your lessons is refusing to keep getting hurt by that same old careless thing.

I will choose better. I will take my time. In keeping my eyes forward I have made up my mind. There will be days I remember. And nights I slip off track. But I am not now nor will I ever be drawn back into my past. I reject every direction that places me outside of His will. I am stronger than every single distraction laced with impending regret.

a midsummer nights dream
Artist: Christian Schloe

I am reminded of this as I ignore the midnight “How are you?” phone calls from my ex. Or the miscellaneous text messages blaming me for his failure to forget. I feel wiser because I can sort between true healthy attraction and debilitating lust. I am not tied emotionally to these souls I formerly wrapped myself around.

They are broken chains of steel that used to suffocate me.

Forgotten, happily distant memories.