I dragged the pitiful remnants of my sorry 2015 into what was then, the new (2016) year. Still, this was not even the worst part. Everyone told me to just “let it go” as if I could somehow give away my hurt and manifest some unguarded strength that was eluding me. For some reason, people tend to forget about the after effects of shock. It was like I stood outside of my body–pleading with myself to stop.
Stop emoting over a person who does not have the capacity to love you properly.
Stop fighting against every sign telling you that you are better off.
Stop trying to prove you are worthy enough.
Just, dammit stop.
Shock had other ideas about how I was going to “get over” my loss. It reared up in absolute ugliness–breaking the hearts of everyone I was ever close to. It decided that I did not need to repent or reconsider my actions, words and thoughts. No, we were going to drive intentionally off the cliff of ambivalence, never fully understanding what was happening until I hit the bottom rocks.
I believe: You can only relate to others as much as you have resolved your deepest grief.
But I did not want to sit regretfully with the betrayal or think on anything I did wrong. I could not face what I should have done differently because at the end of the day, he/she/they were gone. So, I chose to wrap myself around the certainty of shock. Certainly shock would protect me, by blocking the valves to my heart. It could obviously mask the feeling of cold creeping in my frostbitten fingertips.
It could absolutely hide the fact that I was dying inside.
I want to be able to honestly say that one day I decided to fight back. That I tore into my frigid nature and found a way to warm up my internal core. The truth is, there was an essence I was missing and a peace I denied. Trying to do good on my own misguided terms only spread the disease I was feeding and left tons of damage behind. There were months where I read countless books, articles and blogs in an attempt to figure out how to help my self. Yet at the end of it all, I still felt lost.
But 2016 was not a total loss.
I could sit here and list all the amazing things happening in my life right now, but I will spare you my “self-righteous” brag. Instead, I leave you all with this final thought:
No matter how many failures you endure, the cost of which may seem unfair and unreasonable–your success will eventually outweigh the loss.