Every couple of years I cycle through some of the major relationships that impacted my life. I always meet someone new. Someone who, sparks a familiar awareness that I need to pursue. Depending on where I am in that particular period–this person often confirms my growth or enlightens me to the fact that I still have more work to do. For instance, this most current time–I came across a reminder of my most notorious ex, and ran quickly in the opposite direction.
I follow similar patterns, because I hold onto the one in my past that I should not have given up. He was kind and loving, free of the baggage that weighs less resilient adults down. Unfortunately, I did not have the background or strength at that time to maneuver in the vicissitudes of our unpredictable love. It literally took nothing for me to mess this up.
Now, whenever I find his reincarnate–the pattern ungraciously repeats. Each time we cut ties, our fall out is more destructive and permanently damaging. We break each other down with our doubts and persistent questions–setting off red flags and silent alarms. Maybe this happens because I am still a rebellious, youthful version of myself. Maybe he refuses to let his guard down or get close to anyone else.
So sick of fighting that neither of us wants what we have when it is gone.
In hindsight, the mirage of genuine affection cannot outrun the passage of time. Eventually, this mirror becomes dirty with resentment or breaks due to incessant pacification. We can no longer bear to remember the image of what we thought we were. What remains in its place are wounded spirits that prefer–lonely roads to unknown destinations, alone.
I am here now because I chose the painful comfort of what was, instead of letting go and operating in faith and hope. I am here because of neglect and laziness–the likes of which are prevalent in my everyday reality. I am here because of my curiosity and inability to decisively cut out unhealthy actions, habits and beliefs. A flirtatious tease playing dangerous games with other people’s hopes and dreams.
But, I am here–and everyday I receive a brand new, unique opportunity to do better and operate more effectively. I can end these cycles before they start by choosing to remain steadfast and present. No matter how many wrong turns I have made in my life, I still have a chance to make it right.
Even though this success is a reminder that you are no longer by my side.