30 on 30. (Excerpt)

The following is an excerpt in celebration of my turning 30 years old this year.
Full post to come March 2016.


When you feel you may have lost your mind.

Are you a perfectionist who does not like to hear the word, “no”?

I am. I have an intense need to maintain order in my life. It is what helps me sleep better at night. Freshly cleaned clothes folded neatly in their drawers. A kitchen cleaned thoroughly after every meal. Raising a kid who always cleans her room. People who do what I expect them to do.


There is a very thin line between order and the unhealthy pursuit of control. For the past decade I have seen emotional scales dip, while my world spins violently out of my hands. The conscious, rational thing is to let it all go. Let life happen and do what is necessary to cope. But that is rarely my answer for when things begin to change.

A friend told me once to accept life with open hands. You will attract good and pleasing things–but you must also accept the bad. Unfortunately, my heart does not want to accept when the plan deviates off course. I am stubborn. I will fight. I will let the whole house burn down around me because I do not want to be saved.

When we make choices against ourselves–there are a few ways it can end. There are times I spent so much time looking back at what I lost that I did not realize what I was neglecting in the present. My 27th birthday, for example, was spent in bed mourning the loss of a relationship I had no business being in from the start. In those dark days, I could not believe I was being rescued from my self.

But time often reveals the mess you created in your mind.

It is time I stopped letting everything in my life drop as my knee-jerk response to my mistakes. Will I linger in the mud, or will I choose to drag myself out of the pit–permanently? The measure of true maturity is what you do with disappointment when it touches your life. Cause let’s face it, failures suck. No one wants to lose their job, their love, their comforts in life. But adults do not throw tantrums and continue floundering on the sidelines.

Adults suck it up. They keep moving forward. They do not give up.

And in time, your failures will give you the opportunity to finally get it right.