Callous, Cold Woman.

We separate by force. Distance keeps us at arms bay.
But I know I’ll crave your embrace in these coming days.
I wonder if your peace still lies with me.
Can you even sleep?

Or is your heart at rest knowing the best part is over?
And all that remains is effort given in vain.

Most people give up too quickly.
Doubt consumes courage.
Love grows sour.
And interest steadily declines.

I continue to hope for you.
Pray you’re at your best.
Even if at the end of things,
I don’t express much clearly.

I refused to be consistent because
I never wanted you to depend on me.

I mirrored your habits.
Became someone less…

But I digress.

I just want your heart
to be at rest.



Wait of the World.

It could be worse.

Every lie fed to starving insecurities could actually turn out to be the truth. Every hope drained after selfish decisions were made could make the most faithful believer doubtful.

Some of the people closest to me failed to acknowledge the holes they left in my heart. My self, included. Damage, is nothing if not habitual and I fight daily to eliminate my scars. I do not want to be seen as the person who cannot move forward. So, I try to cut ties with feelings I know deep down are not factual. After a certain amount of time, all self-perceived outside wounds are actually inflicted by you.

When you forgive someone, do you hold them to the same standards before they fell? Do you adjust your expectations to guard against future disappointment? Do you continue to share experiences together, pretending everything is the same as it once was?

The answer is a resounding and emphatic “No”.

Now, I do not trust most of my decisions and cannot understand why I continue in this hurtful cycle. I cannot reconnect to the core of my innocence because the feeling of safety is gone. I still hurt in ways I choose not to explore because sitting with uncertain pain leaves me weary–and unable to see the road in front of me.

quotes, strength, weight of the world, lifeI know I need vision. So much so, I am willing to invest the time it will take to get it back. I used to spend intentional time ignoring the frustration that comes with waiting for a future I should not expect. I try not to run away from it now, but hope is a disposition that will only spring up out of my desperation.

Sometimes, we tend to forget.

I carry an immortal soul within this temporary body that I neglect. I thought I would keep it to myself, but this process of sanctification will not let go of me. Even in the wake of my failures, I know better than to let myself be swallowed. I have been sifted and separated. I feel restless and empty. The truth is I am closer to redemption than I ever cared to believe.

But I still dangle at the end of this string, until the One who sees all comes to rescue me.


Fight or Flight Syndrome.

When someone loves you completely, you can feel the full force of their desire. A knowable certainty sparks your soul with a recognition of undeniable truth. It feels like walking into a room and instantly seeing your person in the midst of a crowd.

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A magnetic force impossible to divide.

The opposite is true if you doubt someone’s love for you. Instead of freedom, doubt will taint your movements. You will walk with tightness around your rib cage and pain in places you cannot soothe. Feeling like you can not remember what life was like without the ache.

Women wear love on their face. Watch as blood rushes to crimson red cheeks and eyes that smile without even trying. Compared to men who strut like proud peacocks. Their chests filled up to the brim with the natural high of being in love.

It is a terrible tragedy when lovers forget how much they once meant to each other. They lay–back to back in bed at night, praying for the busyness of the next day instead of being present with the one they love. The sense of an abrupt ending choking their waking thoughts.

Panicking  in pursuit of the quickest exit route.

My greatest fear was not that I would never fall in love, but that the one I loved would fall out. And it is funny how fear will manifest and color every decision when it is allowed to roam unchecked. I said I wanted love, but I kept love at an arm’s distance. I refused to give love access to the dark spaces poking holes in my heart. Careful to protect the lies I was taught to feed to my mind.

Love for me, was abandonment.

The parent who loved their addictions more than me. Or the friend who was more accurately an enemy. In love, I was a fighter without the necessary training. Every time I found myself in its cage, I lost the match within minutes of the bell ringing.

I believe every lover has a chance to recover once you remember that you are part of the same team. Most matches are lost because the group effort is at an odds. One person is stuck doing all the work while the other refuses to be their relief. Some people defer to the “finishing move” instead of fighting for the ones they love.

I know you lost love once.

That you fought unprepared with a teammate who could not care less. I know you blamed yourself for their ambivalence. That you thought being smarter, thinner or quieter would win their affection. But you were wrong. You are worth more than a love who stands on the sidelines while you defend what you believe. You deserve love that will meet you farther than halfway. You deserve a person who will stand with you on equal footing.

After all love is two fighters, with both feet in the ring.


I always carry stress in my occipital lobe where it radiates to the space behind my eyes. For days now, I have felt this pressure–sitting in the back of my mind. I play with pain, like an addict off his wagon. Flirting with what I feel would be an unnecessary death.

I had what I wanted. Then watched helplessly as it was snatched from my grasp. Embracing the taint of false promises and my allegiance to wanting every thing that I cannot have. Someday soon I know time will fill this hole holding me back.

But right now I am too tired to try.

My anger travels like lightning to my reactive motor neurons, forcing me to make a move. I just pray it is in the right direction. Unhealthy distractions pick at my nerves–caressing me into mindless activities.

Do I really want this future? Am I properly interpreting my dreams?
Or am I keeping myself stagnant by refusing to let go of what no longer serves me?

What does letting go have to do with anything?

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I am already leaps ahead of the American pursuit of happiness. And yet, I still feel blood tied to the centuries old history linked traumatically in my DNA. Limited by a capital that cares nothing about my past.

I stand disconnected from my home–torn from my God-given ancestry by an intentionally attempted genocide. The feeling that “something” is missing–will always be an everlasting theme in my life. No one person can satisfy the loss of a future I never knew.

And you cannot understand this, if it has never happened to you.

Self Care Monday. 

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I am nowhere near the middle of my 90 Day Reset. In fact, today is only #83. But in the process of recovery, you must celebrate every small victory. 

These quiet moments will ultimately lead you to the bigger ones. 

P.S. Anybody out there also going through a difficult time? How are you coping? What steps are you following to take care of your self? 

So much love,

-J. Cosby