The world will not end when you will it. Truth is, it will keep spinning in spite of your protests. But knowing what I know now, I can guarantee that you will still not want to start over again. It is easy to say we will forgive someone when they hurt us deeply. But the actual practice is much more difficult to employ. I am tired of saying that I will do better and then predictably failing in the last place I was tested. Tired of giving up at the exact moment that I need to fight. But I also know that just because a person is sorry, does not mean you have to give them another chance to get it right. How many times have we made promises we knew we could not keep? How many times have our mistakes pushed us down to our knees? I have wounded others because I refused to admit that I was wrong. I allowed my ego to tell me what I needed, instead of taking inventory of the junk in my heart. I am missing my kindred spirit–the one who was scarred and battered similarly to me. At this new level of distance, I wonder if that person is even still listening. I imagine silence tells us what we need to know faster than any words could ever portray. But the only thing I wish I could change right now, is the fact that I pushed you away.
What if I told you I do not really miss you? How, in bed I never creep to the side where you used to sleep or wish that you were still here with me. What if I do not wake up from nightmares that you are gone because your absence is my reality? What if I let go of you the way you let go of me? Some may call what has happened, mandatory redirection. They will tell us that we were not capable of love from the start. They will say the more we try to fix things, the more we will inevitably get lost. The problem is, you were already broken. Before you came looking for me you neglected to find yourself. All your energy spent in the wrong direction–trying to be “all things” to somebody else. If I have learned anything, I know now that I am equally responsible. I used to think I needed to compensate for the missing pieces you brought to my table. Believing I was the compass that would help you get where you needed to go. No one on this Earth can fill these heavenly holes. In my dreams, I question my own misguided actions. I do not try to carry your weight anymore. And in my aggressive quest for my own wellness; I am determined to show you, my jilted lover–to the door.
Beautiful things do not require recognition. They exist on their own terms and in their own designated time. I remember when I could not recall my own feelings or whether or not these damaging thoughts were even mine. I used to numb undesirable emotions and busy myself with work that would never get done. Now, I rest on purpose and give my heart freedom to run. Instead of hiding hurt, I make myself painfully aware of the loss of my dreams. The anticipated Forever that began again in January. Now, my favorite galaxy cannot remember the gravity of what was promised or the hope of our mutual destiny. Now, I sit and gather all of my strength, while a black hole attempts to trap me in a solitary abyss. I do not want to try all over again. I want what I have chosen. All I ever wanted was one person who accepted me, completely. Someone who could understand that I am not perfect, but I never stop trying. Someone who would stand by my side while I fought to be healthy.
Our own, exclusive infinity.
Dreams are hard to come by when you’re standing alone on an island in the middle of a turbulent sea. I remember there was a time when you were standing right next to me. Our days were happy and our nights were filled with routine–no one understands what it feels like to be ripped from this reality. Sure, I climbed a mountain without you and promised to wait until you caught back up. But the more I fought, the faster you forgot about us. I was attracted to this picture of two people who loved and never gave up. Grieving unmet timelines and promises that forced me to reconcile the truth of what I knew was not enough. You believed you could handle everything–fighting for us while abandoning your home.
But once you reach the peak of the mountain, there is no higher you can go.
Miracles happen everyday.
But I feel like I am stuck repeating redundant story lines without any real release. It is time to accept reality. To gather all of my dignity and recognize my own potential. I can say that I am not my mistakes and that I am worthy of love that is not easily shaken. But I have to be adaptable when the picture has changed.
Love did not abandon me. It did not stick out its foot and trip me. Real love can overcome everything. But love can not be the only thing covering us. Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong ones. People who want you to cross the entire bridge rather than meet you halfway. People who only understand love under the context of chase.
Once the mystery is gone, so are they.
I am worthy of understanding. Someone who will experience me at my lowest and draw nearer when I need it the most. Someone who can filter through my anger and still want to keep me close. I do not need a love whose decision will always be to walk away or let me leave.
Real love keeps fighting.
Sometimes I give up. I get tired of fighting for something that no one else wants. I am told that I am unreasonable. But everyone has their limit and it is hard to recover once you have reached it. There is nothing a person can do or say that will make a difference to the one who is not committed to stay.
One day you’ll grow tired of them walking away.
Real love is unreasonable. When your heart truly wants something it will go after it even after analyzing the costs. Many people have told me that I am broken. They say there are so many compound fractures that there is no way those little pieces will ever fit together again. So imagine a person with this level of damage attempting to build with another on a shattered foundation. Being so distracted by your wounds
that you reject the opportunity for healing.
I have failed at certain aspects of life that many people find easy. School, work, family, romantic and platonic relationships–all of these have been negatively impacted by a common denominator–ME. I thought being perfect meant I could hide behind my smile and a helpful nature. I believed I could pretend I was whole. But the truth is the only thing I needed was acceptance. An acceptance that could never be offered while I hid the darkest parts of my soul.
When you are hurting and try to conceal the problem, you are only pushing the issue down temporarily. Like a jack in the box, eventually it gets wound up until there is no other option but release. In those moments, pain gets forced out of its cage. There can be no conversation, no bargaining for patience. What was once a minor issue has grown into a careless monster full of rage. And angry me has no problem pushing the object of my affection away.
Do I continue to use the excuse that I am broken?
Is there ever a substantial purpose in pain?
Or is brokenness the final solution if it protects you from getting hurt again?
Every day I push away the effects of my self-inflicted heartache and turn the other cheek towards what lies ahead of me. Reminiscing on the past used to be enough but now I am invested in the things that have yet to come. It is typical of us to search our history–looking for ways to recover what we lost. We stand in the same exact place where he/she/they left us. Waiting for that same person to pick us back up.
I realized in this fantasy that I have already started moving. Even when I do not want to, I am led by a desire to prove that I can handle myself without being attached to another human being. Everything I have comes from prayer, hard work and an annoying inability to give up on the one person I cannot live without–me. Even when I am hurting I still find the will to keep going. This time, the person who left was me.
I guess this is why it seems like I am okay, because I was gone before the crisis came our way. I spent nights wondering why the person I loved could not love me the way I needed. Feeling alone in a relationship that was not moving forward. Sometimes, I try to reach out and make peace because I feel guilty for choosing solitude over stagnancy. Even now, the thought of being alone is absolutely terrifying.
But I cannot pretend this is not happening. I set these wheels in motion because I did not believe in the future my partner was painting. All I wanted was a rough draft in the form of a commitment. What I received were more ideas and promises–but never anything concrete. I began to believe that he was not really committed to me. And I am proved as much as he retreats from my life abruptly.
I am a fighter who will give everything even when I am not being met half way.
But it is a waste of time trying to fight for someone who does not want to stay.